It's been a while.
Too long to be honest. I miss writing my feelings and thoughts down.
My daughter will be four years old soon. I really hope that one day
She gets to read her Momma's journals and blogs and that they help her in some way.
I hope she never has to go through some of the pain and hurt I have gone through
But let's be serious.... most humans go through pain in their lives. Some more than others.
I am 164 days sober today. Wow. 164 days. Considering I drank every single day .... it's a huge
Accomplishment in my life.
Some people say "Well I don't understand why you can't just have one drink? Or two and be done?"
As if I haven't asked myself that before over a million times.
I would LOVE to have a glass of wine with friends or just a beer.
But that's not how my brain was wired. I wanted to feel drunk. I needed to be drunk.
And for those couple of hours I pounded shots or drank a whole bottle or two of wine.... I had no care in the world.
Or. It was the opposite at times. I had too many cares and turned into a sobbing mess. It was my way to get out things that needed to be said. With the option to say "Nvm. I was drunk." In the morning if I chose to change my mind.
I look back. And sure. In my twenties I had my fair share of parties. Drinking. Never ever got into drugs. Well unless you count weed as a bad drug. But who hasn't done all that.
I don't think I was a horrible person. I was a normal person in my twenties. But. I have many regrets. Want to know what those regrets all have in common? Alcohol.
I should have gotten help a long time ago. But I didn't. I just was not ready to stop.
Honesty. There wasn't really even a "push me over the edge" moment to make me say "ok I'm done. Today."
It all just happened. July 28th 2017 was my last drink I had. And I woke up the next day and told myself.
I'm done.
This just isn't for me. And I cannot have a family drinking problem follow me for the rest of my life.
Our family has and had many alcoholics. I cannot let being an alcoholic ruin things in my life.
The thing that really gets to me sometimes though. Are the people who say "well you're not an alcoholic. It doesn't affect your daily functions or duties."
Or
"You don't wake up and need to have a drink."
Uh. Ok thank you for your opinions. But I didn't ask.
This decision was for me. And me only honestly. This was for no one else.
This is to help me become a better human being.
A better mom.
And hopefully a better friend as I feel as though most of my friendships consist of me being selfish and talking far too much about myself and my problems and not asking others how they are doing.
I want to be a better friend.
