I Just Want To Be Loved

 I want to be loved. 

I want to be loved in a way that I can look at my partner and see how much they love me back. 

I don’t want to fight for their attention. 

I don’t want to explain my every move. 

I don’t want to be afraid of being out too late. Or falling asleep during a conversation and being accused of being a whore. 

I want a partner who respects my daughter and I. 

I want my eyes to light up and get excited when they come see me. 

I don’t want to make excuses for them not to come around because the fear of me “causing another fight”

I think it’s really really easy when an outsider looks in. To say “don’t think about him” or “he’s a loser don’t let it get to you” 

But what people don’t understand is that my brain has been programmed since a very young age. To think the world of this person. My brain truly thinks that somewhere in there is a decent human being. 

But then when I get asked the pros and cons. I cannot honestly think of ONE good core memory with this person. 

He has cheated when we were kids. 

He had sex with my best friend when we were younger. 

He has done awful things.

I remember being so pure. So innocent. So in love at 15. And then coming to school and the first narcissistic red flag was there. He walked right past me. Didn’t say a word. And later I found out he had cheated on me. But instead of taking responsibility. I was blamed and told to leave him alone. 

My brain has been groomed and programmed since the age of 14. To believe that this was my one and only. That this is my “soulmate”

And it is not so easy to reprogram. No matter what the case is. I am a victim of narcissistic abuse. In the worst ways possible. And I am currently trying to crawl out of that hole. And find who I am again.