I Just Want To Be Loved

 I want to be loved. 

I want to be loved in a way that I can look at my partner and see how much they love me back. 

I don’t want to fight for their attention. 

I don’t want to explain my every move. 

I don’t want to be afraid of being out too late. Or falling asleep during a conversation and being accused of being a whore. 

I want a partner who respects my daughter and I. 

I want my eyes to light up and get excited when they come see me. 

I don’t want to make excuses for them not to come around because the fear of me “causing another fight”

I think it’s really really easy when an outsider looks in. To say “don’t think about him” or “he’s a loser don’t let it get to you” 

But what people don’t understand is that my brain has been programmed since a very young age. To think the world of this person. My brain truly thinks that somewhere in there is a decent human being. 

But then when I get asked the pros and cons. I cannot honestly think of ONE good core memory with this person. 

He has cheated when we were kids. 

He had sex with my best friend when we were younger. 

He has done awful things.

I remember being so pure. So innocent. So in love at 15. And then coming to school and the first narcissistic red flag was there. He walked right past me. Didn’t say a word. And later I found out he had cheated on me. But instead of taking responsibility. I was blamed and told to leave him alone. 

My brain has been groomed and programmed since the age of 14. To believe that this was my one and only. That this is my “soulmate”

And it is not so easy to reprogram. No matter what the case is. I am a victim of narcissistic abuse. In the worst ways possible. And I am currently trying to crawl out of that hole. And find who I am again. 

Life.... it's real. It's raw. And it's never as perfect as it may seem.

It's been a while.

Too long to be honest. I miss writing my feelings and thoughts down.
My daughter will be four years old soon. I really hope that one day
She gets to read her Momma's journals and blogs and that they help her in some way.
I hope she never has to go through some of the pain and hurt I have gone through
But let's be serious.... most humans go through pain in their lives. Some more than others.

I am 164 days sober today. Wow. 164 days. Considering I drank every single day .... it's a huge
Accomplishment in my life.

Some people say "Well I don't understand why you can't just have one drink? Or two and be done?"

As if I haven't asked myself that before over a million times.
I would LOVE to have a glass of wine with friends or just a beer.
But that's not how my brain was wired. I wanted to feel drunk. I needed to be drunk.
And for those couple of hours I pounded shots or drank a whole bottle or two of wine.... I had no care in the world.

Or. It was the opposite at times. I had too many cares and turned into a sobbing mess. It was my way to get out things that needed to be said. With the option to say "Nvm. I was drunk." In the morning if I chose to change my mind.

I look back. And sure. In my twenties I had my fair share of parties. Drinking.  Never ever got into drugs.  Well unless you count weed as a bad drug. But who hasn't done all that.

I don't think I was a horrible person. I was a normal person in my twenties.  But.  I have many regrets.  Want to know what those regrets all have in common? Alcohol.

I should have gotten help a long time ago. But I didn't.  I just was not ready to stop.

Honesty. There wasn't really even a "push me over the edge" moment to make me say "ok I'm done. Today."

It all just happened.  July 28th 2017 was my last drink I had. And I woke up the next day and told myself.

I'm done.
This just isn't for me. And I cannot have a family drinking problem follow me for the rest of my life.
Our family has and had many alcoholics. I cannot let being an alcoholic ruin things in my life.

The thing that really gets to me sometimes though. Are the people who say "well you're not an alcoholic. It doesn't affect your daily functions or duties."
Or
"You don't wake up and need to have a drink."

Uh. Ok thank you for your opinions. But I didn't ask.

This decision was for me. And me only honestly. This was for no one else.
This is to help me become a better human being.
A better mom.

And hopefully a better friend as I feel as though most of my friendships consist of me being selfish and talking far too much about myself and my problems and not asking others how they are doing.

I want to be a better friend.

**My Oh My How Things Have Changed**

well. its been about 6 months since my past blog post. I figured I would write today since I was so down these last 2 years....and have basically done a 180. I want people to understand that no matter HOW BAD it is at the moment. or how much you DONT THINK things will get better. they always do. and always will. you just need to have the right people to have your back. and stand beside you through it all. and hey...you may even meet the love of your life in the process. yep. I am engaged. who would have even THOUGHT this would ever happen after the horrible things ive been through. not me! but i am:) and am in love with the man of my dreams! hes so sweet. so caring. and giving. and just always puts others before himself. (which sometimes is his downfall but for the most part it works ok!)

so thank you joseph william vanek jr. for finding me:) well i guess i found you. in the bar. on nikkis birthday. but we wont get into that story... MUAH!

-Brittany

*Life is GOOD!*

Wow! What can I say?! I have been on quite the rollercoaster these past 2 years but I am finally in a really REALLY good place! I love every part about my life right now! And all it took was a little bit of patience and time. Its true. Love will find you when you least expect it. I found the perfect guy for me and I have no doubt in my mind he will be in my life forever. He always makes me smile... always does for others before himself. And has the most amazing family that makes me feel apart of it when I am around. I went through some extremely hard times last year and this year but what I DO KNOW... is that they made me a much stronger person. I am not happy I had to go through all of those experiences but I am happy that I learned from it all. 

One other thing on my mind. Some people have been getting irritated with my "non filtered" attitude about life. Get over it. I have not ever and will never filter my thoughts or opinions on ANYTHING. I  have always been outspoken and if you cant handle my opinions... go away! Like I said... they are MY opinions.... you have yours... I have mine. Deal with it. anyways... this is a short blog but I have to get back to work! muah!:)

<3JWVJ       

-Brittany

*Does life ever get any better???*

I sit here and wonder constantly. will life ever get any better? Will I ever get to where I WANT TO BE in my life? I see my friends walking around happy and getting everything that I want and having everything that I want... when will it be my turn?I dont want to settle JUST to get what I want .... so I suppose all I can do is wait. 

And the waiting is what kills me the most... I work my ass off on a daily and nightly basis to make money to live just like everyone else. But the hard part about my job is... I can raise other peoples kids and go home to nothing. I want my own kids... I want my own husband... and I want my own life... hopefully it comes sooner than later because I would hate to die alone. Biggest fear in life... biggest fear in anyones life I think. 

Lets see where has my life been the last couple weeks... well I am going to visit my sisters and mom next week which is MUCH NEEDED. because they are the only people who keep me sane and let me know that my life is worth living day to day. I truly love them all and cannot WAIT to be with them. 

I have been drinking a little more than Id like to these last few months and I would give anything to just stop. But its nearly impossible at the moment so hopefully something gets me to snap out of it. I am over my breakup... I think my breakup is what made this horrible downward spiral... get out of control though. I just cant seem to deal with it in the correct ways. So Ive resorted to my old habits of alcohol pills and cutting occasionally which is horrible... but its something that I need help for I guess.... All I can say is that to all of you out there with families... kids.. boyfriends.. a close family... hold onto them for dear life... because there are people out there.... like myself... who would give anything to be in your shoes....

-Brittany

It just always hurts so badly...........

I dont know what to say.... besides it hurts so bad...... all the time....

why does my life have to feel so horrible .... so many people have more horrible things happening to them yet i sit here.... and think that my life is so bad..... its not... but i guess you cant tell someone that thats going through as much as i am...

my cutting is a problem.. i get it.. people are worried about me and for the first time i showed my legs... i wore shorts today and my best friendswas over and broke down... i said "why are you crying?!" she said..."can u just wear pants when im here... i hate that u do that... its not pretty".... i almost died... id idnt think my habit would affect anyone else.. but clearly peopleare worried about me...

Life fucking blows sometimes

Let me just tell you... life fucking DOES blow sometimes... especially when you feel like your backs against the wall and the worlds against you.... but what I try and think of is that everytime I think its REALLY bad... it gets so much better a couple weeks later! So Im trying my best to just stick through this hard time. But its been 4 months of hell! When is it going to get better. Why am I so upset about one single douchebag that isnt even worth anyones time of day?! I dont know... but one day... I can promise you... I will look back on this... when I am happily married with beautiful children... and think
holy shit.... how the fuck could I have been so caught up over this absolute waste of space?!  

Hopefully that day comes sooner than later!