*Does life ever get any better???*

I sit here and wonder constantly. will life ever get any better? Will I ever get to where I WANT TO BE in my life? I see my friends walking around happy and getting everything that I want and having everything that I want... when will it be my turn?I dont want to settle JUST to get what I want .... so I suppose all I can do is wait. 

And the waiting is what kills me the most... I work my ass off on a daily and nightly basis to make money to live just like everyone else. But the hard part about my job is... I can raise other peoples kids and go home to nothing. I want my own kids... I want my own husband... and I want my own life... hopefully it comes sooner than later because I would hate to die alone. Biggest fear in life... biggest fear in anyones life I think. 

Lets see where has my life been the last couple weeks... well I am going to visit my sisters and mom next week which is MUCH NEEDED. because they are the only people who keep me sane and let me know that my life is worth living day to day. I truly love them all and cannot WAIT to be with them. 

I have been drinking a little more than Id like to these last few months and I would give anything to just stop. But its nearly impossible at the moment so hopefully something gets me to snap out of it. I am over my breakup... I think my breakup is what made this horrible downward spiral... get out of control though. I just cant seem to deal with it in the correct ways. So Ive resorted to my old habits of alcohol pills and cutting occasionally which is horrible... but its something that I need help for I guess.... All I can say is that to all of you out there with families... kids.. boyfriends.. a close family... hold onto them for dear life... because there are people out there.... like myself... who would give anything to be in your shoes....

-Brittany

It just always hurts so badly...........

I dont know what to say.... besides it hurts so bad...... all the time....

why does my life have to feel so horrible .... so many people have more horrible things happening to them yet i sit here.... and think that my life is so bad..... its not... but i guess you cant tell someone that thats going through as much as i am...

my cutting is a problem.. i get it.. people are worried about me and for the first time i showed my legs... i wore shorts today and my best friendswas over and broke down... i said "why are you crying?!" she said..."can u just wear pants when im here... i hate that u do that... its not pretty".... i almost died... id idnt think my habit would affect anyone else.. but clearly peopleare worried about me...

Life fucking blows sometimes

Let me just tell you... life fucking DOES blow sometimes... especially when you feel like your backs against the wall and the worlds against you.... but what I try and think of is that everytime I think its REALLY bad... it gets so much better a couple weeks later! So Im trying my best to just stick through this hard time. But its been 4 months of hell! When is it going to get better. Why am I so upset about one single douchebag that isnt even worth anyones time of day?! I dont know... but one day... I can promise you... I will look back on this... when I am happily married with beautiful children... and think
holy shit.... how the fuck could I have been so caught up over this absolute waste of space?!  

Hopefully that day comes sooner than later!

Nothing beats a Sunday with my Dad....

Hello Loves:) Let me just begin this by saying my Dad is one of the most standup men that I know and its going to take a lot to fill his shoes as the most important man in my life. Hell noone will ever fill those shoes. I Love him so so much!    I woke up this morning and decided I wanted to spend Bears Football Sunday with my daddio because cmon.... who else can sit and listen to me ask question after question after question like he can! I had one of the best days of my life and I just wish growing up there were more of those. But hey...its never too late to start making memories right??? One thing that irks me is that I wish I felt a little more comfortable there    but I was never close with my stepmom and unfortunately dont think I ever will be. Im extremely happy that my younger brother and sister are old enough to realize that they have an older sister that would do anything and everything for them though. But like I said before... I wish it was more like that growing up. But I like being one of 6 kids:)    I love my brothers and sisters and I wouldnt change it for the world being a middle child:) Being over at my dads make me feel like I have a place in this world. Not just Brittany the workaholic nanny. Its Brittany the daughter thats part of a huge family when I am there. I cant wait to have kids one day and be able to bring them over to my dads.... and my moms and just have them be happy grandparents one day because I know theyre going to love it:)

-Brittany

Life isnt that bad after all....

Anytime you think your life is bad.... you really need to sit back and think about all the millions and millions of people who have it a lot worse than you. Truth is.... you will look back on your problems a few months or years from now and say "what the fuck was I thinking? I Love my life.... I was such an idiot." But then there are some problems that actually do stick by you and never leave you.... and haunt you . You have to either face the demons or just let it go or you will put yourself in an early grave. My life is not that bad... actually my life is pretty great. I just had some unfortunate events happen the last couple years. I thought your 20's were supposed to be the best years of your life. When realistically your 20's are when you find your identity and who you truly are. They are the hardest years in my opinion but who am I to say... I havent reached my 30's or 40's yet. But what I DO KNOW is that my mom was married with two kids by my age.... my dad was married TWICE with 4 kids by my age.... and my younger sisters been married and almost divorced and my older sister and older brother already have children. Why do I feel like I am so behind? Am I behind or am I just smart? I do not know. I could be alone forever.... whos to tell? Nobody knows. Or I could run into the guy of my dreams and begin my life tomorrow. Life is so unpredictable it makes me sick. I wish I had a layout of my life sometimes but what the fun in that right? I feel like I planned my life out so much and none of it happened the way I wanted.... maybe thats why I feel like I am such a disappointment... to myself and my parents..... Im constantly told by my mom that she wants grandchildren and "Brittany when are you going to have kids?" Well guys... probably when I find someone I love.... MAYBE.... u never know. Noone knows.... but I know one thing... My life is far too precious to give to JUST ANYONE.... Ive given this heart of mine to one too many people and Im holding onto it for dear life from now on.....