Another one bites the dust....

Well everyone said it would happen and that it wouldnt work out. They were in fact correct.... how could a 22 year old and 25 year old work out? It did for a long time... but all good things must come to an end. Here is the reasoning behind it.... I am 25 years old. I want a family and children and to be married in my near future. These are normal things that I think about as a 25 year old woman. Him... being 22... looks at me like im insane when I even mention these things. He wants to spend time with his friends on a daily basis no matter what plans hes made with me... he thinks its ok to just blow me off and ditch me for his friends. As long as hes happy.

Now in his defense... I am a  bitch.... I have been through hell and back and have dealt with the worst of the worst of MEN in general. Take a look at my track record.... noone can handle me. And I have not completely put my past behind me. Therefore he said he cant get through my layers and simply gave up over one stupid petty fight.

I dont need to be with anyone whos not willing to fight for me and put in the effort. You should  never waste your time on someone whos not willing to do the same for you.

I did nothing but EVERYTHING for him. I drove him around due to his not being able to drive issue... I went to visit him WEEKLY when  he was away at school. I went to his mothers gravesite with him whenever he asked me to.... sat with him... cried with him.... brought him and his dad anything they needed.... but I am the bad guy right? I refuse to accept that... therefore I will get over this....

I am a strong woman and everything thats happened to me has only made me stronger. So it was a good 7-8 months.... but now.... its time to move on.... I love him more than life itself but I cannot be with someone who can watch me cry and remain emotionless. So byebye.....

-Brittany

Ive dealt with the worst of the worst in my time....

Suicide=Selfishness

I feel like it was yesterday that my friend Mike Palazzolo (another MP ironically) took his own life due to the fact that he just could not live without a certain woman in his life. It absolutely tore me to pieces that I could not be there to help. Or tell him to just spend one night awake talking to me and I could have promised him everything would be ok in time. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. my mother told me this and I stand by it.... it may not ERASE all wounds... but it does heal them. And I can promise you that. He took his own life not even thinking twice about the pain and emptiness he would leave all of the people who loved him with. But coming from my own experience.... when you are in that state of mind.... there is absolutely nothing that can make you feel better. You must be strong enough to sit around and feel the pain in order to overcome. And that is what I did. But not before being in a state of complete depression and thinking nothing but "why am I even here..... I would rather not live then live and feel this pain."

All I remember is not eating.... lashing out.... at not only my mother but everyone around me.... I was only 19 years old.... I wasn't mature enough to handle everything that was going on around me. Sure I had friends.... but nothing could make me feel better. My mom had her boyfriend... my sister was basically a mute.... and the guy I loved wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with me.... so "why be alive?" I asked myself? I felt like it was one thing.... after another after another. When youre 19 all that matters is living life and going out with friends.

"Love" makes you do the craziest things. But thats just the thing. You THINK you are in love.... when realistically noone really knows what love is until it makes you content. Loves not supposed to make you cry 24 hours a day.... or have thoughts of removing yourself from this planet. Love is supposed to make you happy! But like I said... I was young and THOUGHT I was in love.... I didnt eat for days... didnt sleep... and decided taking pills was an easy out... fortunately.... I had a friend tackle me to the ground before I could take too many... and sat at the hospital for hours until they finally let me go.... with a prescription to some pills that I was addicted to for 6 years after that.

I got phone call after phone call after phone call from family members asking me if I was ok the next day... babying me.... you know... probably all the attention I wanted in the first place... but Ill never forget the phone call from my Uncle John John and my Grandma.... they didnt baby me whatsoever... they told me how SELFISH I WAS... and how I was ridiculous for even thinking to do something like this... and this is the one memory thats stuck with me and that I feel has actually helped me more than anything.

NOBODY AND NOTHING IS WORTH GIVING UP YOUR LIFE FOR. AND I MEAN NOONE! so what if the boy you love doesnt love you back. so what if you are having a bad day. and so what if you feel like youve hit rock bottom. just remember that the way you feel that day.... EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU WILL FEEL FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME IF YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. god put you on this planet for a reason .... he will take you when hes ready.... not when YOURE ready....

and oddly enough... a few months later.... my friend committed suicide.  and what makes me even more sad... he did it over some girl... and did it alone... and felt the pain.... alone... I was home... I could have helped. my mom told me that he tried coming over to contact me a couple months before that...

which killed me inside. what if he was coming to confide in me... what if I WAS the one that couldve helped him? I dont think I will ever stop wondering about that.

If you or anyone you know ever has thoughts on suicide.... I highly suggest staying by their side... and TALKING TALKING TALKING.... to them.... theres nothing better than just knowing you have at least 1 PERSON who would be willing to sit with you and talk to you for as many minutes hours or days that you need.

-Brittany

Where Do I Begin

Where do I begin? I have been through more than the average 25 year old. And everything Ive been through has made me the strong person I am today. Sure I may trust NOONE... but that doesnt mean Im not willing to eventually let someone COMPLETELY break down my emotional barriers one by one. It just is going to take some time. Ive been hurt by friends...family... perfect strangers.... boyfriends...but I have faith that one day I will live a normal life again. It all changed at the age of 15. I think I can confidently say that was the year I stopped trusting. I was hurt.... cheated on.... and beat down to the ground emotionally by the one I loved... and therefore... swore to myself I would never let someone all the way in again. But that is no way to live... its going to guarantee that every one of my relationships hit roadblocks if I dont trust anymore. Thats why I have chosen to slowly let the world back into my life. And if I happen to get hurt AGAIN... so be it. At least I can say I tried. Because closing yourself off to the world. Isnt living at all. Some people may say "well the whole world always knows your life... you always post your life on facebook." Well no I do not... and this blog is going to allow me to post everything thats on my mind at all times. It may offend people... it may hurt people... and it even may make me accumulate even more haters.... but it doesnt matter. I am laying it all out there from now on. Beginning now.

I can tell you all right now and someone of you may say "get over it it was 11 years ago" but discussing this with my boyfriend last night really opened my eyes to how much journal writing helped me through extremely hard times... 11 years ago I was more hurt than Ive ever been in my life. I was with Josh... and he ruined me... my trust in people... and I feel made me the person I dont want to be. Closed off and mean.

I was cheated on... lied to... and ripped to pieces on a daily basis. I stayed around for 2 years... and even let it go for years and years and went back to it. People can change yes... but you build the foundation of who you are when you are in high school... you make mistakes but you are supposed to learn from them... not continue to hurt the people you love. And thats what happened with that. Ever since November 15th 2001.... my life changed dramatically.

Ever since then I have brushed off the nicest guys on the planet... hurt them.... ripped THEM apart... and have never let anyone into my world 100%. I think its time to start changing that. And I think its time to start allowing LOVE.... into my life. I Love love and LOVE my boyfriend. And eventually will allow him all the way into my world. Because hes done nothing to make me not give him all of my trust.

I am going to start blogging instead of journal writing.... and will not be holding anything back at this point .... you can choose to read it and be a part of it.... or just ignore.  Blaaaaaaaah.............

-Brittany