I feel like it was yesterday that my friend Mike Palazzolo (another MP ironically) took his own life due to the fact that he just could not live without a certain woman in his life. It absolutely tore me to pieces that I could not be there to help. Or tell him to just spend one night awake talking to me and I could have promised him everything would be ok in time. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. my mother told me this and I stand by it.... it may not ERASE all wounds... but it does heal them. And I can promise you that. He took his own life not even thinking twice about the pain and emptiness he would leave all of the people who loved him with. But coming from my own experience.... when you are in that state of mind.... there is absolutely nothing that can make you feel better. You must be strong enough to sit around and feel the pain in order to overcome. And that is what I did. But not before being in a state of complete depression and thinking nothing but "why am I even here..... I would rather not live then live and feel this pain."
All I remember is not eating.... lashing out.... at not only my mother but everyone around me.... I was only 19 years old.... I wasn't mature enough to handle everything that was going on around me. Sure I had friends.... but nothing could make me feel better. My mom had her boyfriend... my sister was basically a mute.... and the guy I loved wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with me.... so "why be alive?" I asked myself? I felt like it was one thing.... after another after another. When youre 19 all that matters is living life and going out with friends.
"Love" makes you do the craziest things. But thats just the thing. You THINK you are in love.... when realistically noone really knows what love is until it makes you content. Loves not supposed to make you cry 24 hours a day.... or have thoughts of removing yourself from this planet. Love is supposed to make you happy! But like I said... I was young and THOUGHT I was in love.... I didnt eat for days... didnt sleep... and decided taking pills was an easy out... fortunately.... I had a friend tackle me to the ground before I could take too many... and sat at the hospital for hours until they finally let me go.... with a prescription to some pills that I was addicted to for 6 years after that.
I got phone call after phone call after phone call from family members asking me if I was ok the next day... babying me.... you know... probably all the attention I wanted in the first place... but Ill never forget the phone call from my Uncle John John and my Grandma.... they didnt baby me whatsoever... they told me how SELFISH I WAS... and how I was ridiculous for even thinking to do something like this... and this is the one memory thats stuck with me and that I feel has actually helped me more than anything.
NOBODY AND NOTHING IS WORTH GIVING UP YOUR LIFE FOR. AND I MEAN NOONE! so what if the boy you love doesnt love you back. so what if you are having a bad day. and so what if you feel like youve hit rock bottom. just remember that the way you feel that day.... EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU WILL FEEL FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME IF YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. god put you on this planet for a reason .... he will take you when hes ready.... not when YOURE ready....
and oddly enough... a few months later.... my friend committed suicide. and what makes me even more sad... he did it over some girl... and did it alone... and felt the pain.... alone... I was home... I could have helped. my mom told me that he tried coming over to contact me a couple months before that...
which killed me inside. what if he was coming to confide in me... what if I WAS the one that couldve helped him? I dont think I will ever stop wondering about that.
If you or anyone you know ever has thoughts on suicide.... I highly suggest staying by their side... and TALKING TALKING TALKING.... to them.... theres nothing better than just knowing you have at least 1 PERSON who would be willing to sit with you and talk to you for as many minutes hours or days that you need.
-Brittany
There wasnt anything that anyone could have done to help him unfortunatley.
ReplyDeleteI tried talking to him time and time again. I was his best friend but he reassured us all that he was happy. He went through all his future plans with me. What he was going to do with his life and where he was gonna be in ten years. He didnt plan his suicide. It was a last minute decision.
Theres nothing anyone could have done so you dont need to feel so guilty about it. Hes looking down on all of us and he will be there waiting for us when we get there :-)