Hurting yourself is never the best option....

I am going to write this because I feel like there are more people out there than we all know... going through the same thing that I have gone through... and people need to know there are other options out there besides hurting yourself....

In June 2011 I completely lost myself.... I was the strongest person that I knew... I was strong... independent.... and knew where I was going in life... and one little thing threw my entire life off track... and it made me feel out of control of myself... I wish this upon NOONE. I hope the people in my life can stay strong and never have to resort to the things that I have....

In June 2011.... I didnt know what else to do...I felt like everyone in my life was sick of hearing about my problems... it was the same thing over and over and over again... and honestly... I never knew a cutter. I never knew anything about it. But one night I was given a pocket knife for protection. Who wouldve thought 2 months later I would actually end up using it as a self inflicting pain mechanism on myself.

I sat in my own home one night feeling as out of control of myself as Ive ever felt... I liked the physical pain of anything... I got piercings and tattoos weekly but I figured I couldnt keep doing that to keep my mind off of the emotional pain that I was feeling. So I took that pocketknife... and I cut... one big incision in my leg.... and little did I know I would continue to keep opening the same incision for 4 months after that. I wasnt the typical cutter... I didnt touch my wrists.. I didnt want to kill myself... I wanted to feel pain. And I did....

I did every single night for 4 months.... I re opened the same exact cut.... over and over and over again... and to people this sounds absolutely insane... but I guarantee you that at least one person you know probably does this but doesnt speak of it... my cut is hidden... until I decided to tell my mother about it... which reached my father... and from there on I called my mom and dad every single time I had the thought of cutting... I couldnt explain the thought of me enjoying the physical pain rather than the emotional pain... they thought I was crazy... HOW CAN YOU explain this to your parents ? You cant... but what they did was understood that my emotional pain was overpowering my life.... and making myself feel painevery single night was far better than feeling the heartbreak.... every single second... every second felt like an hour... and every hour felt like a year....

I promise you it gets better....... and noone should ever resort to this... EVER... but I am also telling you that I have been there... and I know exactly what you are going through if youve been in this situation ..... and if you have been? I am always here to talk... ALWAYS... and getting help is always the #1 thing todo if you feel this way...

you have people who may say "omg what a crazy  bitch.. who the fuck does this... what a crazy bitch!" but those people have truly never felt out of control of themselves to the point that I have....  IT GETS BETTER... I PROMISE YOU....

*ALWAYS go with your gut instinct!!!!!*

Let me just say right now.... when you feel something... even if its the smallest feeling that something is wrong.... I can almost guarantee something IS! .... whenever you suspect something just is NOT right... it probably isnt.... I come to realize that today.

I always thought... that for the one year of my relationship I was in... that something just wasnt right. I had to even DELETE my own boyfriend from facebook! just so I didnt have to see certain things other women were saying. No I do not think he cheated on me. but yes... I thought he had a little something for a few chicks on his fb... that he knew... and come to realize I was CORRECT. because I am almost 100 percent positive he is WITH the one girl I hated the most... its like a kick in the stomach. People can sit and say
Oh Britinee get over it already its  been 4 months." But look.... it was a YEAR of my life.... can you imagine having even the slightest idea that your boyfriend that you loved more than anything had feelings for someone else... you two break up and he goes to her? Its like I said... a kick in the kidneys to me.... especially considering how much I did and went through with this kid. Just kills me. I fully believe in karma and I hope to God they both just one day feel the way Ive felt the last 4 months. because honest to God.... I wish this upon nobody else..... its  A HORRIBLE HELPLESS SUCKY FEELING! breakups suck... and just like The Script said "when a heart breaks it dont break even!" meaning... one of em are gonna hurt worse... one person has to hurt a ton more than the other... and this time it just happened to be me... but now let me quote Adele... "I wont let you close enough to hurt me... no I wont ask you... you to just desert me I cant give you... what you think you gave me... its time to say goodbye to TURNING TABLES!" I shouldve listened to that quote the first time I was dumped. damnit Adele... where were u then! ... anyways... sucks that my blogs are mostly about this... but this is the one thing thats caused me more heartache... emotional pain.. PHYSICAL PAIN... and mental breakdowns than anything else ever has.... besides losing my gram.... I completely lost myself... and I never thought I would but I take this as a lesson learned.... and I will eventually move on and be happy again... because I deserve THE BEST! and so do all of you.....

*Finally over the 3 months of absolute HELL*

I cannot believe the absolute hell I have been through these last few months. On June 11th,2011....I feel like everything just fell apart. Everything I thought was going to happen in my future... just went down the drain. I was dumped... again. For the 4th time in a year. And I was officially drained mentally....physically... emotionally and I dont wish what I went through on ANYBODY. Not even the person who caused this. My ex boyfriend truthfully put me through hell. The day he left me I officially went into the deepest depression I ever went through... since my gram died. And I promised myself I would  never allow myself to get that low again. But unfortunately I did. I started drinking excessively... to the point of blackout... I lost a job... I never wanted to work.. or leave my house. I left for a couple weeks to get away from here... I physically started to hurt myself... I didnt eat. I just lost myself and who I was. I ended up in the hospital and realized I needed a change.

This is when I started my therapy. Therapy was my out... it was my way of saying things to somebody that was no longer sick of hearing the same old story. Because everyone including myself KNEW that my relationship was toxic. And for all of you who think that I WAS the problem in my relationship... you are completely wrong. I did anything and everything to help save my relationship.
Ill never forget the day I realized I loved him... it was in September of 2010.... he was away at school. I dragged my cousin Shannon out of the house at 8pm to drive all the way to ISU... and bring him soup... medicine... a card... a bunch of things because he was sick.. and just to tell him I love him. didnt get back home until around 2am. Would he ever do something like that? no. his money bought his happiness.... and that was sad... I drove him everywhere and anywhere due to his DUI incident... and once he got his license back... he was good to go... dumped me....wanted to party every night. and I just wasnt that person. therefore we broke up.

I honestly felt dead for 3 WHOLE entire months. And I am finally better and ready to start a REAL mature.... fun life in which nobody can try and change the person that I am. Nobody will ever change me and you should NEVER let anyone change you.

My nephew Axton Daniel was born July 5th! The best week Ive had is going to visit my mom... sisters... brothers... and sister in law:) They really brought the life back into me and made me realize that there is much more out there and that no man is worth my tears..... NO MAN. I thank them... and my mom... and dad... and close friends for truly getting me out of my terrible state of mind.

-Brittany