*Does life ever get any better???*

I sit here and wonder constantly. will life ever get any better? Will I ever get to where I WANT TO BE in my life? I see my friends walking around happy and getting everything that I want and having everything that I want... when will it be my turn?I dont want to settle JUST to get what I want .... so I suppose all I can do is wait. 

And the waiting is what kills me the most... I work my ass off on a daily and nightly basis to make money to live just like everyone else. But the hard part about my job is... I can raise other peoples kids and go home to nothing. I want my own kids... I want my own husband... and I want my own life... hopefully it comes sooner than later because I would hate to die alone. Biggest fear in life... biggest fear in anyones life I think. 

Lets see where has my life been the last couple weeks... well I am going to visit my sisters and mom next week which is MUCH NEEDED. because they are the only people who keep me sane and let me know that my life is worth living day to day. I truly love them all and cannot WAIT to be with them. 

I have been drinking a little more than Id like to these last few months and I would give anything to just stop. But its nearly impossible at the moment so hopefully something gets me to snap out of it. I am over my breakup... I think my breakup is what made this horrible downward spiral... get out of control though. I just cant seem to deal with it in the correct ways. So Ive resorted to my old habits of alcohol pills and cutting occasionally which is horrible... but its something that I need help for I guess.... All I can say is that to all of you out there with families... kids.. boyfriends.. a close family... hold onto them for dear life... because there are people out there.... like myself... who would give anything to be in your shoes....

-Brittany

It just always hurts so badly...........

I dont know what to say.... besides it hurts so bad...... all the time....

why does my life have to feel so horrible .... so many people have more horrible things happening to them yet i sit here.... and think that my life is so bad..... its not... but i guess you cant tell someone that thats going through as much as i am...

my cutting is a problem.. i get it.. people are worried about me and for the first time i showed my legs... i wore shorts today and my best friendswas over and broke down... i said "why are you crying?!" she said..."can u just wear pants when im here... i hate that u do that... its not pretty".... i almost died... id idnt think my habit would affect anyone else.. but clearly peopleare worried about me...

Life fucking blows sometimes

Let me just tell you... life fucking DOES blow sometimes... especially when you feel like your backs against the wall and the worlds against you.... but what I try and think of is that everytime I think its REALLY bad... it gets so much better a couple weeks later! So Im trying my best to just stick through this hard time. But its been 4 months of hell! When is it going to get better. Why am I so upset about one single douchebag that isnt even worth anyones time of day?! I dont know... but one day... I can promise you... I will look back on this... when I am happily married with beautiful children... and think
holy shit.... how the fuck could I have been so caught up over this absolute waste of space?!  

Hopefully that day comes sooner than later!

Nothing beats a Sunday with my Dad....

Hello Loves:) Let me just begin this by saying my Dad is one of the most standup men that I know and its going to take a lot to fill his shoes as the most important man in my life. Hell noone will ever fill those shoes. I Love him so so much!    I woke up this morning and decided I wanted to spend Bears Football Sunday with my daddio because cmon.... who else can sit and listen to me ask question after question after question like he can! I had one of the best days of my life and I just wish growing up there were more of those. But hey...its never too late to start making memories right??? One thing that irks me is that I wish I felt a little more comfortable there    but I was never close with my stepmom and unfortunately dont think I ever will be. Im extremely happy that my younger brother and sister are old enough to realize that they have an older sister that would do anything and everything for them though. But like I said before... I wish it was more like that growing up. But I like being one of 6 kids:)    I love my brothers and sisters and I wouldnt change it for the world being a middle child:) Being over at my dads make me feel like I have a place in this world. Not just Brittany the workaholic nanny. Its Brittany the daughter thats part of a huge family when I am there. I cant wait to have kids one day and be able to bring them over to my dads.... and my moms and just have them be happy grandparents one day because I know theyre going to love it:)

-Brittany

Life isnt that bad after all....

Anytime you think your life is bad.... you really need to sit back and think about all the millions and millions of people who have it a lot worse than you. Truth is.... you will look back on your problems a few months or years from now and say "what the fuck was I thinking? I Love my life.... I was such an idiot." But then there are some problems that actually do stick by you and never leave you.... and haunt you . You have to either face the demons or just let it go or you will put yourself in an early grave. My life is not that bad... actually my life is pretty great. I just had some unfortunate events happen the last couple years. I thought your 20's were supposed to be the best years of your life. When realistically your 20's are when you find your identity and who you truly are. They are the hardest years in my opinion but who am I to say... I havent reached my 30's or 40's yet. But what I DO KNOW is that my mom was married with two kids by my age.... my dad was married TWICE with 4 kids by my age.... and my younger sisters been married and almost divorced and my older sister and older brother already have children. Why do I feel like I am so behind? Am I behind or am I just smart? I do not know. I could be alone forever.... whos to tell? Nobody knows. Or I could run into the guy of my dreams and begin my life tomorrow. Life is so unpredictable it makes me sick. I wish I had a layout of my life sometimes but what the fun in that right? I feel like I planned my life out so much and none of it happened the way I wanted.... maybe thats why I feel like I am such a disappointment... to myself and my parents..... Im constantly told by my mom that she wants grandchildren and "Brittany when are you going to have kids?" Well guys... probably when I find someone I love.... MAYBE.... u never know. Noone knows.... but I know one thing... My life is far too precious to give to JUST ANYONE.... Ive given this heart of mine to one too many people and Im holding onto it for dear life from now on.....

Hurting yourself is never the best option....

I am going to write this because I feel like there are more people out there than we all know... going through the same thing that I have gone through... and people need to know there are other options out there besides hurting yourself....

In June 2011 I completely lost myself.... I was the strongest person that I knew... I was strong... independent.... and knew where I was going in life... and one little thing threw my entire life off track... and it made me feel out of control of myself... I wish this upon NOONE. I hope the people in my life can stay strong and never have to resort to the things that I have....

In June 2011.... I didnt know what else to do...I felt like everyone in my life was sick of hearing about my problems... it was the same thing over and over and over again... and honestly... I never knew a cutter. I never knew anything about it. But one night I was given a pocket knife for protection. Who wouldve thought 2 months later I would actually end up using it as a self inflicting pain mechanism on myself.

I sat in my own home one night feeling as out of control of myself as Ive ever felt... I liked the physical pain of anything... I got piercings and tattoos weekly but I figured I couldnt keep doing that to keep my mind off of the emotional pain that I was feeling. So I took that pocketknife... and I cut... one big incision in my leg.... and little did I know I would continue to keep opening the same incision for 4 months after that. I wasnt the typical cutter... I didnt touch my wrists.. I didnt want to kill myself... I wanted to feel pain. And I did....

I did every single night for 4 months.... I re opened the same exact cut.... over and over and over again... and to people this sounds absolutely insane... but I guarantee you that at least one person you know probably does this but doesnt speak of it... my cut is hidden... until I decided to tell my mother about it... which reached my father... and from there on I called my mom and dad every single time I had the thought of cutting... I couldnt explain the thought of me enjoying the physical pain rather than the emotional pain... they thought I was crazy... HOW CAN YOU explain this to your parents ? You cant... but what they did was understood that my emotional pain was overpowering my life.... and making myself feel painevery single night was far better than feeling the heartbreak.... every single second... every second felt like an hour... and every hour felt like a year....

I promise you it gets better....... and noone should ever resort to this... EVER... but I am also telling you that I have been there... and I know exactly what you are going through if youve been in this situation ..... and if you have been? I am always here to talk... ALWAYS... and getting help is always the #1 thing todo if you feel this way...

you have people who may say "omg what a crazy  bitch.. who the fuck does this... what a crazy bitch!" but those people have truly never felt out of control of themselves to the point that I have....  IT GETS BETTER... I PROMISE YOU....

*ALWAYS go with your gut instinct!!!!!*

Let me just say right now.... when you feel something... even if its the smallest feeling that something is wrong.... I can almost guarantee something IS! .... whenever you suspect something just is NOT right... it probably isnt.... I come to realize that today.

I always thought... that for the one year of my relationship I was in... that something just wasnt right. I had to even DELETE my own boyfriend from facebook! just so I didnt have to see certain things other women were saying. No I do not think he cheated on me. but yes... I thought he had a little something for a few chicks on his fb... that he knew... and come to realize I was CORRECT. because I am almost 100 percent positive he is WITH the one girl I hated the most... its like a kick in the stomach. People can sit and say
Oh Britinee get over it already its  been 4 months." But look.... it was a YEAR of my life.... can you imagine having even the slightest idea that your boyfriend that you loved more than anything had feelings for someone else... you two break up and he goes to her? Its like I said... a kick in the kidneys to me.... especially considering how much I did and went through with this kid. Just kills me. I fully believe in karma and I hope to God they both just one day feel the way Ive felt the last 4 months. because honest to God.... I wish this upon nobody else..... its  A HORRIBLE HELPLESS SUCKY FEELING! breakups suck... and just like The Script said "when a heart breaks it dont break even!" meaning... one of em are gonna hurt worse... one person has to hurt a ton more than the other... and this time it just happened to be me... but now let me quote Adele... "I wont let you close enough to hurt me... no I wont ask you... you to just desert me I cant give you... what you think you gave me... its time to say goodbye to TURNING TABLES!" I shouldve listened to that quote the first time I was dumped. damnit Adele... where were u then! ... anyways... sucks that my blogs are mostly about this... but this is the one thing thats caused me more heartache... emotional pain.. PHYSICAL PAIN... and mental breakdowns than anything else ever has.... besides losing my gram.... I completely lost myself... and I never thought I would but I take this as a lesson learned.... and I will eventually move on and be happy again... because I deserve THE BEST! and so do all of you.....

*Finally over the 3 months of absolute HELL*

I cannot believe the absolute hell I have been through these last few months. On June 11th,2011....I feel like everything just fell apart. Everything I thought was going to happen in my future... just went down the drain. I was dumped... again. For the 4th time in a year. And I was officially drained mentally....physically... emotionally and I dont wish what I went through on ANYBODY. Not even the person who caused this. My ex boyfriend truthfully put me through hell. The day he left me I officially went into the deepest depression I ever went through... since my gram died. And I promised myself I would  never allow myself to get that low again. But unfortunately I did. I started drinking excessively... to the point of blackout... I lost a job... I never wanted to work.. or leave my house. I left for a couple weeks to get away from here... I physically started to hurt myself... I didnt eat. I just lost myself and who I was. I ended up in the hospital and realized I needed a change.

This is when I started my therapy. Therapy was my out... it was my way of saying things to somebody that was no longer sick of hearing the same old story. Because everyone including myself KNEW that my relationship was toxic. And for all of you who think that I WAS the problem in my relationship... you are completely wrong. I did anything and everything to help save my relationship.
Ill never forget the day I realized I loved him... it was in September of 2010.... he was away at school. I dragged my cousin Shannon out of the house at 8pm to drive all the way to ISU... and bring him soup... medicine... a card... a bunch of things because he was sick.. and just to tell him I love him. didnt get back home until around 2am. Would he ever do something like that? no. his money bought his happiness.... and that was sad... I drove him everywhere and anywhere due to his DUI incident... and once he got his license back... he was good to go... dumped me....wanted to party every night. and I just wasnt that person. therefore we broke up.

I honestly felt dead for 3 WHOLE entire months. And I am finally better and ready to start a REAL mature.... fun life in which nobody can try and change the person that I am. Nobody will ever change me and you should NEVER let anyone change you.

My nephew Axton Daniel was born July 5th! The best week Ive had is going to visit my mom... sisters... brothers... and sister in law:) They really brought the life back into me and made me realize that there is much more out there and that no man is worth my tears..... NO MAN. I thank them... and my mom... and dad... and close friends for truly getting me out of my terrible state of mind.

-Brittany

Bitches...Haters....and Assholes

Im sorry but I cant help but HAVE to blog about these nasty people in the world who choose to hate on others' success... and others' happiness. Theyre called HATERS.. and more specifically .... I choose to call them fucking bitches and assholes. Why is it... that I have a job that I absolutely love... a boyfriend that I love... a LIFE that I am in love with.. yet people can post the meanest nastiest things... such as "well youll never amount to anything" or " you only make about 30000 a year thats nothing" yeah... well bitch I LOVE MY JOB and i can almost guarantee that youre probably some fat ass who sits behind a desk and makes less than me. Oh and the fact that people like to criticize ME for not finishing college? Oh hi. Im sorry but MOMMY AND DADDY DONT PAY FOR MY SHIT.. NOR HAVE THEY SINCE I WAS LIKE 18... mommy and daddy dont pay for my car... or insurance.. or health insurance... or rent... or electric bill or my cell phone... and im happy they dont because i dont depend on ANYONE and thats made me a hell of a lot stronger of a person. So FUCK YOU .... and PS... quit posting on an anonymous website and step up and admit who you are... thatll probably explain a lot once I know who you are because youre most likely an ugly low life of a person who either doesnt have a job or who is miserable at their job. Fuck haters. Fuck bitches. And Fuck asshole people who are jealous of me.... because thats all it is.... pure jealousy. and PSS.... Im not fat:) THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another one bites the dust....

Well everyone said it would happen and that it wouldnt work out. They were in fact correct.... how could a 22 year old and 25 year old work out? It did for a long time... but all good things must come to an end. Here is the reasoning behind it.... I am 25 years old. I want a family and children and to be married in my near future. These are normal things that I think about as a 25 year old woman. Him... being 22... looks at me like im insane when I even mention these things. He wants to spend time with his friends on a daily basis no matter what plans hes made with me... he thinks its ok to just blow me off and ditch me for his friends. As long as hes happy.

Now in his defense... I am a  bitch.... I have been through hell and back and have dealt with the worst of the worst of MEN in general. Take a look at my track record.... noone can handle me. And I have not completely put my past behind me. Therefore he said he cant get through my layers and simply gave up over one stupid petty fight.

I dont need to be with anyone whos not willing to fight for me and put in the effort. You should  never waste your time on someone whos not willing to do the same for you.

I did nothing but EVERYTHING for him. I drove him around due to his not being able to drive issue... I went to visit him WEEKLY when  he was away at school. I went to his mothers gravesite with him whenever he asked me to.... sat with him... cried with him.... brought him and his dad anything they needed.... but I am the bad guy right? I refuse to accept that... therefore I will get over this....

I am a strong woman and everything thats happened to me has only made me stronger. So it was a good 7-8 months.... but now.... its time to move on.... I love him more than life itself but I cannot be with someone who can watch me cry and remain emotionless. So byebye.....

-Brittany

Ive dealt with the worst of the worst in my time....

Suicide=Selfishness

I feel like it was yesterday that my friend Mike Palazzolo (another MP ironically) took his own life due to the fact that he just could not live without a certain woman in his life. It absolutely tore me to pieces that I could not be there to help. Or tell him to just spend one night awake talking to me and I could have promised him everything would be ok in time. TIME HEALS ALL WOUNDS. my mother told me this and I stand by it.... it may not ERASE all wounds... but it does heal them. And I can promise you that. He took his own life not even thinking twice about the pain and emptiness he would leave all of the people who loved him with. But coming from my own experience.... when you are in that state of mind.... there is absolutely nothing that can make you feel better. You must be strong enough to sit around and feel the pain in order to overcome. And that is what I did. But not before being in a state of complete depression and thinking nothing but "why am I even here..... I would rather not live then live and feel this pain."

All I remember is not eating.... lashing out.... at not only my mother but everyone around me.... I was only 19 years old.... I wasn't mature enough to handle everything that was going on around me. Sure I had friends.... but nothing could make me feel better. My mom had her boyfriend... my sister was basically a mute.... and the guy I loved wanted absolutely NOTHING to do with me.... so "why be alive?" I asked myself? I felt like it was one thing.... after another after another. When youre 19 all that matters is living life and going out with friends.

"Love" makes you do the craziest things. But thats just the thing. You THINK you are in love.... when realistically noone really knows what love is until it makes you content. Loves not supposed to make you cry 24 hours a day.... or have thoughts of removing yourself from this planet. Love is supposed to make you happy! But like I said... I was young and THOUGHT I was in love.... I didnt eat for days... didnt sleep... and decided taking pills was an easy out... fortunately.... I had a friend tackle me to the ground before I could take too many... and sat at the hospital for hours until they finally let me go.... with a prescription to some pills that I was addicted to for 6 years after that.

I got phone call after phone call after phone call from family members asking me if I was ok the next day... babying me.... you know... probably all the attention I wanted in the first place... but Ill never forget the phone call from my Uncle John John and my Grandma.... they didnt baby me whatsoever... they told me how SELFISH I WAS... and how I was ridiculous for even thinking to do something like this... and this is the one memory thats stuck with me and that I feel has actually helped me more than anything.

NOBODY AND NOTHING IS WORTH GIVING UP YOUR LIFE FOR. AND I MEAN NOONE! so what if the boy you love doesnt love you back. so what if you are having a bad day. and so what if you feel like youve hit rock bottom. just remember that the way you feel that day.... EVERYONE WHO LOVES YOU WILL FEEL FOR YEARS AND YEARS TO COME IF YOU TAKE YOUR OWN LIFE. god put you on this planet for a reason .... he will take you when hes ready.... not when YOURE ready....

and oddly enough... a few months later.... my friend committed suicide.  and what makes me even more sad... he did it over some girl... and did it alone... and felt the pain.... alone... I was home... I could have helped. my mom told me that he tried coming over to contact me a couple months before that...

which killed me inside. what if he was coming to confide in me... what if I WAS the one that couldve helped him? I dont think I will ever stop wondering about that.

If you or anyone you know ever has thoughts on suicide.... I highly suggest staying by their side... and TALKING TALKING TALKING.... to them.... theres nothing better than just knowing you have at least 1 PERSON who would be willing to sit with you and talk to you for as many minutes hours or days that you need.

-Brittany

Where Do I Begin

Where do I begin? I have been through more than the average 25 year old. And everything Ive been through has made me the strong person I am today. Sure I may trust NOONE... but that doesnt mean Im not willing to eventually let someone COMPLETELY break down my emotional barriers one by one. It just is going to take some time. Ive been hurt by friends...family... perfect strangers.... boyfriends...but I have faith that one day I will live a normal life again. It all changed at the age of 15. I think I can confidently say that was the year I stopped trusting. I was hurt.... cheated on.... and beat down to the ground emotionally by the one I loved... and therefore... swore to myself I would never let someone all the way in again. But that is no way to live... its going to guarantee that every one of my relationships hit roadblocks if I dont trust anymore. Thats why I have chosen to slowly let the world back into my life. And if I happen to get hurt AGAIN... so be it. At least I can say I tried. Because closing yourself off to the world. Isnt living at all. Some people may say "well the whole world always knows your life... you always post your life on facebook." Well no I do not... and this blog is going to allow me to post everything thats on my mind at all times. It may offend people... it may hurt people... and it even may make me accumulate even more haters.... but it doesnt matter. I am laying it all out there from now on. Beginning now.

I can tell you all right now and someone of you may say "get over it it was 11 years ago" but discussing this with my boyfriend last night really opened my eyes to how much journal writing helped me through extremely hard times... 11 years ago I was more hurt than Ive ever been in my life. I was with Josh... and he ruined me... my trust in people... and I feel made me the person I dont want to be. Closed off and mean.

I was cheated on... lied to... and ripped to pieces on a daily basis. I stayed around for 2 years... and even let it go for years and years and went back to it. People can change yes... but you build the foundation of who you are when you are in high school... you make mistakes but you are supposed to learn from them... not continue to hurt the people you love. And thats what happened with that. Ever since November 15th 2001.... my life changed dramatically.

Ever since then I have brushed off the nicest guys on the planet... hurt them.... ripped THEM apart... and have never let anyone into my world 100%. I think its time to start changing that. And I think its time to start allowing LOVE.... into my life. I Love love and LOVE my boyfriend. And eventually will allow him all the way into my world. Because hes done nothing to make me not give him all of my trust.

I am going to start blogging instead of journal writing.... and will not be holding anything back at this point .... you can choose to read it and be a part of it.... or just ignore.  Blaaaaaaaah.............

-Brittany